Chapter 1.5 – Decisions, Decisions

Life moved on fairly quietly for Carolyn and Connor. He kept quiet about his concerns regarding Carolyn’s past, and she avoided the beach. Everyone was happy. More or less. Connor wasn’t happy about Carolyn’s insistence that he leave her past in the past, but what could he do? He loved her with all his heart. Could he live with just letting it go? She had made it pretty clear it was either let the past go or let her go. Knowing the choice had been made for him, he tried to close the door on that insistent little voice that said “dig for details” and pretend the beach just never happened. Fate stepped in and dealt a hand that didn’t lock that mental door, but certainly slammed it shut for a while.

He had a son!  Look at him – the spittin’ image if ever there was one.  Musings on the past simply couldn’t compete as Connor looked into his little boy’s eyes.  He could see bits of Carolyn here and there in Carl’s face, but mainly he saw himself, but an unmade him.  New and fresh and without the taint of past decisions and indecision.  He vowed then and there that there was nothing he wouldn’t do for Carl.  Nothing he wouldn’t do to protect him.  He vowed to be the perfect father.  He vowed to always be there for his son; to always have time for him.  He vowed a great many unlikely things, but don’t we all when we hold our newborn children in our arms?  He turned and looked at Carolyn sleeping and decided to simply let it go.  He loved her, plain and simple.  And his son!  She was the mother of his son.  All the vows he had made for Carl,  he extended to her.  Right or wrong, he was by her side.

Unfortunately, Carolyn wasn’t privy to the thoughts inside Connor’s head.

Separate beds.

Connor confronted Carolyn about the beds.  He couldn’t believe she had gone so far as to sell their bed and buy two singles.  It was one thing to be upset about his poking in her past, but this?

Carolyn looked him straight in the eye and said “I’m not mad, Connor.  I heard on Wake Up Sunset Valley that sleeping in separate beds improves your night’s sleep and can actually prolong your life.  Don’t you want to be around for our son as long as possible?  I certainly do.”

Yes, she actually said it with a straight face.  He had been so ready for a showdown.  Faced with this illogical, but impossible to argue statement, he couldn’t think of a thing to say.  Clearly, he hadn’t much experience confronting a female on a point she refused to budge on.  Or discuss.  Poor Connor.

And so, Connor slept by himself.  But then, so did Carolyn.  In her attempt to quell Connor’s digging, she had managed to punish herself as well.  The typical result of irrational decision-making.  But fear makes people do many irrational things and Carolyn was no exception.  She loved Connor.  She loved her son.  She didn’t want to lose them.  What else could she do?

Stymied, she did the only thing she knew how to do.  She went on.  She went to work, she did her gardening, all the little chores one does in daily life.  She longed to set things right between her and Connor, but she wasn’t sure how.  He had said he would let it go, but was that possible?  She knew Connor… he didn’t just let things go.  She was afraid he would insist on answers.  She was afraid she would end up giving them to him.  And then he would leave.  But she missed him beside her at night.

Missing him or not, there were things to do, and life took on it’s own rythmn.  Work, garden, fish, Carl, sleep.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Sometimes she was too tired to think of Connor much at all.  She wondered if that meant something. 

Life had become an endless race for Connor.  Working, writing when he could, trying to be there for his wife and son.  Carolyn had withdrawn almost completely from him.  He knew part of it was their grueling schedule.  Working and childrearing were hard work.  Connor had resolved in his own mind that the past was dead and buried and he stuck to it.  But he knew Carolyn was torturing herself.  He could see it.  The few times they did speak, Connor saw the misery on her face.  He wished he could do something for her, but until she let him in, all he could do was be there to help her when she was ready.

Carolyn was nearly at her wit’s end.  How had things gotten so out of control?  The answer to that wasn’t too difficult to figure out.  She knew this was her fault.  She had overreacted and become stubborn, digging in her heels and refusing to budge or even listen.  Her mother had told her she was so stubborn, she’d cut off her nose to spite her face.  She had thought her mother was just being nasty.  But she had to admit her face, and her life, just wasn’t right without her nose being where it should be.

Waking up one morning, she felt… lucky.  The sun was out, she could hear the birds, and somehow she just knew everything was going to work out.  Well maybe not everything, but she knew she could work out the problems between her and Connor.  Once she had admitted to herself that the barrier to resolving their problems was her, she knew how to fix it.

Connor didn’t stand a chance.

Before she could commence Operation WooHoo, Fate stepped in again and made Carolyn’s machinations unnecessary.  Connor was waiting on the porch when she got home from work.  She could tell from the sidewalk he was excited about something.  Stopping to get the mail, she studied him.  Nothing bad.  This was a good excited.  Walking up the stairs, she could see a huge grin on his face.  She couldn’t help but smile in return; his enthusiasm was contagious.

“You’ll never guess what happened today!”

“You’re probably right – so skip the 20 questions and tell me.”  She could see he was nearly hopping up and down, and she laughed.  “Come on, tell me  - what happened today?”

“I sold my novel!”

“Oh sweetheart, that’s wonderful!”

She was so excited for him.  He’d been working so hard on this book, which was so very difficult when you worked full time and had a toddler at home.  Not to mention the problems between them.  She had to admit he handled it all.  He was a wonderful father.  He’d get up for those middle of the night feedings, which fortunately were happening far less frequently.  He helped with all the training Carl needed. 

But most of all, he loved their son dearly.

Carolyn grabbed him up in a huge hug and thanked whatever god was responsible for bringing this man to her.  Her happiness at that moment was so clear, so all encompassing, she wondered if he could feel it emanating from her.  She hoped he could.  She didn’t see how he couldn’t.  Stepping back, she linked her arm through his and they walked inside.  He stopped her, and plunged in with the rest of his news.

“I’m going to quit my job, Carolyn.  I’m going to quit, and I’m going to work on the house – we need more room!”  So caught up in his own excitement, his words reflected his swirling thoughts.  “We need proper bedrooms.  We need to move the garden, too.  I think red for the bedroom, and maybe -”  He stopped for a minute, realizing he was trying to skip the important conversation with irrelevant details.  He didn’t want to skip the conversation, even though he was unconsciously trying to.  This was important and he was going to make sure it was done right.  Connor looked closely at his wife.  “We need to patch things up, Carolyn.  We need to get past this.  I’m over it.  It’s done.  Finished.  Okay?” 

Carolyn felt the familiar prickling behind her eyes.  Trying not to give in to tears, she just stood there mutely.  This wasn’t how she had envisioned her Plan.

“Sweetheart, look at me.  I love you.  I loved you the moment I saw you.  Remember?  I saw you and I just had to stop you.  You thought I was crazy.”  He chuckled softly, remembering the look on her face that day at the gym.  “When I came upon you in my yard, I couldn’t believe my good luck.  But I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity.  I want so much for things to be right between us.  Can we try, sweetheart?  Please?”

The tears started streaming down Carolyn’s face.  “I’m so sorry, Connor.  I’m so sorry.”  Sobbing, she instinctively reached for him.  He held her tightly, hoping this was the beginning of a better situation between them.  “Shhh.  It’s okay, honey.  Go ahead and cry – let it out; I won’t let you go, I promise.”

As she cried and they whispered back and forth, he knew things would be okay.  Now all he had to do was get the house done so he could get rid of those evil twin beds.

Go to Chapter 1.6